Life as Usual in the Akatsuki
by lameboat249
Summary: Even S Ranked Criminals have random adventures sometimes. Featuring Itachi, Kisame, Sasori, Deidara and Zetsu.
1. A package for Itachi

**Life as Usual in the Akatsuki**

Even S-Ranked Criminals have random adventures sometimes.

**Notes: **I've decided to use 'Yeah' for Deidara. Different people translate it as 'Yeah', 'Hmm', or 'Mm', but for now, I'm going with 'Yeah'. Also, I'm writing him as a guy. Even if proof comes out that he is a girl, I'll continue writing him as a guy. If at any point you think that the rating should be upped, please leave me a review telling me so.

**Warnings:** Possible spoilers, and a good bit of OOC. But OOC makes it funny. Atleast... I think it's funny. Jenny, too.

**Disclaimer: **I do not own Naruto, and I doubt I ever will.

* * *

Today was an unusually exciting day in the Akatsuki cave. The sun was shining merrily, only you couldn't really tell in the cave, because, well, it was a cave. The infamous Uchiha Itachi was pacing back and forth in front of the large boulder that blocked the entrance to the cave and kept that pesky sun at bay. 

Today was the day... the day that he had been waiting for. The day that the new skateboard he had ordered arrived. But it wasn't just any skateboard, no. It was the type that came with a bar attached to the side that he could fold up to make it into a scooter if he so pleased. Yes, this was the object of his dreams. Never had he lusted after something so much as this.

"What's keeping that postal worker?" Itachi asked himself out loud in a very politically correct manner. "It's supposed to be coming today! If it's late, I'll--"

But whatever Itachi was going to do, no one was ever going to find out, because he was cut off by a knock at the door. Err... boulder. Boulder-door.

Itachi used that crazy strength that it doesn't look like he has to push the boulder out of the way, smile beaming on the inside. Itachi was the master of inner smiles.

"A package for Mr. Uchiha Itachi," stated the man at the door. He was holding a large package and a clipboard. "Sign here," he said, handing Itachi the clipboard. Itachi signed, then handed it back, taking the package instead.

"Wait here for a moment," Itachi said, walking back into the cave, leaving the man standing awkwardly at the Akatsuki's front porch. He quickly found who he was looking for because this was a cave after all, and as much as you might like to think so, caves do not come with different rooms.

"Hey, Itachi, what's that?" asked Kisame.

Itachi ignored Kisame, and addressed Zetsu. "Are you hungry, because the mail just came."

Zetsu frowned. "You know, you don't have to tell me that the mail man is here every time. Just because I eat people _sometimes _doesn't mean I want to eat them all the time! I eat other things, too, you know!"

Deidara, who was also conveniently right there, rolled his eyes. "Geez, don't get your panties in a bunch, Zetsu. He was just being nice... yeah."

"Yeah, Zetsu," Kisame piped in. "Now you **have** to eat the mail man, because Itachi was nice enough to tell you he was there."

"But--"

"No buts, Zetsu! Go eat him!" screeched Deidara, who just wanted to see Zetsu eat someone. Actually, that was Kisame's reason, too.

So Kisame jumped up from the rock he was sitting on, and with the help of Deidara dragged Zetsu to where the mail person was still waiting politely. Itachi waited until he heard a scream to open his package.

As soon as the item hit them light... or... lack there of, Itachi lifted it into the air. If there had have been light, it would have gleamed magnificently, but Itachi was satisfied imagining the gleam. The bottom was black with, you guessed it, an Uchiha fan on it. "Sooo cool," whispered Itachi, not wanting to draw attention to himself. He put it on the ground and flipped up the handle, making it into a SCOOTER. He was about to test it out, and scooter around, when Kisame and Deidara re-entered with a grumpy looking Zetsu. He hurried to put his skateboard with optional scooter away before they could see. No matter how cool it was, he couldn't let any of the other Akatsuki see, that would be too embarrassing. Except for maybe Sasori, because he was good at keeping secrets. Like the one about how Itachi had been attracted to Deidara before he found out that he was a guy. EWW.

Itachi wasn't fast enough in hiding his awesome kicking rad new toy, though, and Kisame caught a glance of Itachi hiding it in his cloak. "What's that!" asked Kisame, pointing at where he had seen the mysterious object disappear.

"That's my stomach, Kisame," stated Itachi, wanting nothing more than for Kisame and the other stupid-heads to leave him alone.

"Geez, Kisame, and Sasori says _I'm_ dumb... yeah," said Deidara.

"No, I saw him put something in his cloak!" Kisame said in his own defense.

"So Itachi's trying to hide something?" asked Zetsu, wanting in on the conversation.

"No! I'm hiding nothing," said Itachi, glaring at them all with Sharingan-ified eyes. "Now, leave. Me. Alone."

"Yes sir," said Kisame and Zetsu, not wanting to incur the wrath of the Uchiha.

"Phhft, fine, I was going to go bother Sasori anyhow... yeah. Let's go, Kisame," said Deidara, trying to hide how afraid he was. He turned and started walking over to where Sasori was, because of course, Sasori was in plain view because they are in a cave. Kisame followed, and so did Zetsu, even though Zetsu wasn't invited. He has to go places uninvited, otherwise he would never go anywhere. Except to the door where he has to eat a mail person.

As soon as they were over by the puppet master, Itachi whipped his skateboard out from under his cloak and started looking for a nice, shadowy place to put it. He found a few shadowy places, but he had used them all to hide things in before, and Kisame and Deidara had found them easily. He looked behind the statue of hands and a head that they get to stand on when extracting demons, but decided that that was to obvious a hiding spot. Suddenly he was hit by a stroke of genius and took a scroll out from his cloak. He unrolled it and put his hand down in a dramatic fashion and a large safe appeared, surrounded in smoke.

"Thirty-two, seventeen, fourty-four," Itachi whispered to himself, moving the twisty thing to the corresponding numbers, because that's how you unlock a combination lock. Of course. He kissed his skateboard before stashing it in the safe along with some of his other worldly possessions. ...Okay, it was just chocolate coffee beans and porno mags.

He chuckled at his own ingenuity. They could never get it in here! He slammed the door to the safe and clapped his hands together a few times. Now to tell Sasori about his amazing new scooter-skateboard. And so he frolicked off, certain that his prized possession was perfectly safe in his ultimate-defense safe.

The moment he was telling his story to Sasori, Kisame, Deidara and Zetsu poked their scummy little heads out.

"Aww, he put it in there. Now we'll never know what it was..." whined Zetsu.

"Stop being such a baby, Zetsu... yeah," said Deidara, who was studying the lock.

"I'LL OPEN IT!" yelled Kisame, whipping out his Samehada. "You just watch!"

"What are you going to--" **_Whack whack whack._**

"Um... Kisame... I don't think that's helping." said Zetsu, backing off a bit. **_Whack whack._**

"Yeah it is! This is the best idea we've got!" announced Kisame, whacking at the safe even harder with his sword.

"Stop it, Kisame, I have a different idea... yeah," said Deidara, still studying the lock, only now from a bit of a distance.

"No! **_Whack. _**This is **_whack_** a great **_whack_** idea! **_Whack_** It's **_whack_** working, I can **_whack_** see a**_ whack _**dent!" insisted Kisame.

"Back off for a minute!" yelled Deidara, jumping on Kisame's back and throwing him off balance, effectively stopping Kisame's whacking. He fell to the ground and Deidara stood up on his back. "Now, watch the artist at work... yeah!"

Deidara took out some clay from somewhere in his cloak and stuck it around the spinny part of the safe that I still don't know the name of. The combination part. He took a few steps back and put some clay in the palm of his hand, the mouth eating it. It was spit out a moment later in the shape of a bird.

"Stand back, Kisame!" he said as the clay bird in his hand fluttered towards the lock and the other mass of explosive clay. Zetsu and Kisame scurried behind the blonde who was laughing haughtily over his soon-to-be triumph over the safe. "Hah! No safe of Uchiha Itachi's can defeat m--"

Deidara was cut off by the explosion, fragments of the safe going every which way, bouncing off of the walls. "Oops, I guess the explosion was a bit too big... yeah. Oh well, we can always just ask Itachi what he got, right? ...right? ...Kisame...?"

There was no answer from Kisame or Zetsu, so Deidara turned around, only to be faced with one Uchiha, radiating blood-lust.

Deidara laughed nervously. "Uh, I'm sorry, it was an accident! We didn't mean to... yeah! I--- Oh shit." There was a crumbling sound and the roof of the cave started to collapse. Itachi took out a rope and tied it around Deidara, securing him to a large rock, before running out of the cave for cover. "Hey! You guys can't leave me here! Let me out... yeah! SOMEBODY HELP ME."

But nobody heard him, and nobody cared. Oh well. They just stood outside, looking at the ruins of their headquarters.

"I guess we're going to need a new headquarters now," said Zetsu nervously, because, of course, it was partially his fault.

Sasori cracked his neck, his arms full of the puppet he had been tending to. "Oh well, sitting on rocks was really starting to hurt my butt."

And so everyone chuckled merrily and strolled of into the sunset, ignoring Deidara dragging his mooshed body from the rubble.


	2. No wonder no one likes you

Okay, here's Chapter Two. You know what you should probably do? Review. Yeah. Because if I don't get reviews I'm going to get all sad and won't write any more. That's not what you want, now is it? If you want, suggest some things you want me to write about. Because right now, I have about 25 ideas for chapters, but I can always use more.

**Disclaimer: **I still don't own Naruto... Which isn't surprising because I haven't tried black-mailing Kishimoto-sensei into giving me the rights to Naruto in the last day.

* * *

The Akatsuki stood in an ominous circle in the middle of a well lit, well furnished room. The imaginary camera fell on each one of them in turn (yes, including the unnamed ones,) creating a dramatic air, finally landing on the unnamed one who seems to bee the leader of the organization. We will call him Unnamed Akatsuki Member #1.

Member Number One cleared his throat in a very professional manner, gaining everyone's attention. "Due to certain recent events, we were forced to vacate our original headquarters." He paused, and his eyes fell directly on Deidara.

"For the zillionth time, it wasn't my fault!" exclaimed Deidara, even though it so obviously had been.

Everyone glared at him, especially Itachi. He hadn't even gotten to try the skateboard-scooter out! Number One cleared his throat again and continued. "Anyhow, while renovations are being done to the cave, we will be staying here."

"Can't we just stay here anyhow, and just go back to that smelly ol' cave when we need to use it to extract demons and stuff?" asked Kisame.

"Yeah, at least there are chairs here," added Sasori, who's butt was _still_ sore from sitting on rocks all the time.

"No," said Number One.

Deidara, Kisame, Sasori, Itachi and Zetsu all raised their hands in the air to vote, even though no one said they were voting. Oh, but when they were asked to vote, they sure would be ready! The unnamed four just kinda stared at them.

"Voting... for staying," said Itachi when he realized no one else was telling them to vote.

"MAJORITY! We win! We're staying here... yeah!" said Deidara, sticking out his tongue childishly.

"Deidara, were not going to count your vote if you keep acting stupid," said Sasori.

"Okay, I'll stop... yeah..." said Deidara dejectedly.

Number One pretended to ignore all of them. "Anyhow, there are enough bedrooms for everybody to have their own. Except Zetsu. He has to sleep outside."

"Okay," said Itachi.

"No objections here," added Kisame.

"Hey!" whined Zetsu. "There are lots of extra bedrooms! I checked!"

"You must be mistaken... I'm sure I counted eight..." said Number One.

"There are more than that! There are at least twelve!"

"Well... I rented the other bedrooms out."

"To who!" demanded Zetsu.

"To... uh... a troupe of... midgets..." said Number One like the lame-head he is.

"WHAT!"

"Yeah," said Unnamed Akatsuki Member Number One, sensing that his lies were working. "I owed them a favour, so they're staying here. You wont see them though, they're staying in their rooms at all times."

"The Union of Midget Troupes got a restraining order on us!" screeched Zetsu.

"Well... my family is staying over!" said Number One, struggling for an excuse. "Yeah! They were in the area for a reunion, so they asked if they could stay here!"

"You don't have any family!"

"Um... Yes I do?"

"NO!"

"Well, you're still not getting a room," said Number One huffily.

"FINE! I'll sleep on the couch then!" yelled Zetsu, nearly in tears about the fact that no one was standing up for him, and no one wanted him in the house. He had feelings too!

"Eww, no, people want to **sit** on that, Zetsu! You can't sleep on that!" said Deidara, totally caught up in the moment and wanting to be mean, too.

"But... I'll only be on it at night..." said Zetsu.

"Yeah, and that's like, between eight and twelve hours! Your Zetsu-ness will soak in!"

Zetsu's bottom lip trembled. "FINE THEN! I CAN TELL WHERE I'M NOT WANTED! IF ANYONE WANTS TO **APOLOGISE**, I'LL BE OUTSIDE IN MY BEDROOM!" He stormed out of the house, tears trailing down his face. No one really cared though, because, well, this was _Zetsu_ we're talking about, and it was a pretty normal occurrence.

"Took him long enough to realize it, though..." muttered Deidara.

And so everybody **inside** went and claimed rooms, while Zetsu was crying, **outside.**

He sat up next to a tree and whiped away his tears.

"They'll realize what they're missing by excluding me, someday." Zetsu said to himself.

"And when they do, we'll ignore them, right?" Zetsu's dark half said.

"What? No! We'll go and apologize for not making it more obvious what they were missing!" exclaimed Zetsu's light half.

"Uh... Zetsu... this is why no one likes you. You're too much of a push-over. No, when they realize, we're going to ignore them as if they were something that is easily ignored."

"Oh... will that make them like us?"

"Uh, no duh."

"Oh. If you say so..."

"Oh course I say so! I'm the popular one, I know how these things work. I mean, if I wasn't attached to you, I'd still be inside, I'd bet."

"If you weren't attached to me you would be half of a body!" exclaimed the light half of Zetsu.

"I'd still be more popular than you."

Zetsu hung his head. "I'm sorry."

"It's okay. Without you, I wouldn't have a heart!"

"And I wouldn't have a gall bladder!"

"Um... yeah. Come on Zetsu, lets go do something until they come to apologize."

"Okay, Zetsu! Um... let's make a tee pee out of these sticks! It'll be totally awesome!"

"Um, I was thinking something more along the lines of para sailing." said the dark half of Zetsu. But the light half of Zetsu was already making a tee pee, which means that the dark half was, too! Because they're just two halves of the same body! Duh.

"Sooooo cool!" squealed Zetsu, totally forgetting how mean everyone had been.

Kisame and Deidara were watching from the window in Kisame's bedroom. "Eww... he's talking to himself again," ewwed Deidara.

"What a loser," said Kisame, shaking his head. A loud **_'ding dong' _**sounded through the house, and Kisame's face lit up into a huge, slightly scary looking smile. "MAIL'S HERE!" he exclaimed, jumping up and down. He opened the window, and shouted, "Zetsu, the mail is here!" Zetsu got up sulkily and started walking to the house.

"He should be happy he has such good friends like us," said Deidara, running to answer the door for the unsuspecting mail person.


	3. Zoo

Thank you all for the lovely reviews. I'd like to mention that the chapters so far have been beta-ed by my friend Jenny. Blame any mistakes on her. She's the one who's supposed to catch them. 

**Disclaimer:** I don't own Naruto. But I own a bright green pleated skirt, if that counts for anything.

* * *

Sasori, Kisame, Itachi and Zetsu were lounging around on the chairs that they had only recently acquired. Except for Zetsu, of course, who sat on the floor without being asked to, so he wouldn't have to deal with the depression that people yelling at him for getting his 'Zetsu-ness' on the chairs would result in. 

Sasori yawned and stretched. "This is the life."

"What are you talking about? We're just sitting around on chairs, doing nothing. You're only happy because your butt doesn't hurt anymore. What were you doing, anyhow?" asked Kisame.

"Sitting on rocks," said Sasori, as if it was the most obvious thing in the world. Which it was.

"Riiiiiiiight," said Kisame sceptically. He had his own ideas about why Sasori had always been complaining about his butt hurting, but he didn't really feel like getting beaten up right now. Maybe in ten minutes or after a snack or something. Anyhow, Kisame decided to change the subject. "Let's play a game!"

"Like what?" asked Itachi, trying to conceal his interest. Oh, but it was there.

"I dunno..." said Kisame. "I thought maybe you or Sasori would have an idea..."

"How about we play Connect Four!" suggested Zetsu.

Everyone ignored Zetsu completely. But he didn't mind, really, because being ignored was always better than a hearty 'No, you suck Zetsu'. After a moment silence, Kisame spoke again.

"I know! Let's play Zoo! Everyone can be an animal, and we got out of our cages and now we're terrorizing the visitors!" exclaimed Kisame.

"Okay..." said Itachi.

"Sounds kinda fun..." said Sasori.

Kisame grinned. "I'm a shark!" he exclaimed jumping on the chair he had been sitting on. "The terror of the seas! This chair is my fish tank!" He started gnashing his pointy sharp teeth. "What sound does a shark make?" he whispered to Itachi.

"They don't make sounds," answered Itachi.

"That's no fun! I'm going to pretend they roar. Raaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaawwwwwr! Chomp!" Kisame was jumping around fiercely in his 'tank'. "Watch out, I'm going to break the tank!" He pretended to ram up against the sides of his tank. After a minute, he stopped and frowned. "Why aren't you guys playing?"

"I dunno, just watching you was pretty interesting," mused Sasori.

"You can't just watch! It's no fun playing alone!" exclaimed Kisame, hopping up and down the way that little kids do when they aren't getting their way.

"I'll play! I'll be an echidna!" said Zetsu.

"What's an echidna? You can't make up animals. You can just be a houseplant," said Kisame.

"Oh... okay..." said Zetsu. Well, at least he was allowed to play.

"Sasori, you can be a scorpion. Go get your puppet!" said Kisame. Sasori rolled his eyes and whipped out his puppet from behind his back where it had somehow been staying concealed. There was a poof of smoke and he was MAGICALLY INSIDE IT! YAY!

"This is stupid," said Sasori.

Kisame decided to ignore that comment. "Itachi, you're gonna be a weasel!" He smiled like he was proud of himself for being **so** smart as to think that up.

"Okay, but I'm a sleepy weasel," said Itachi, not wanting to bother to argue at the moment. "I'm going to lie here and when the zoo keeper comes to check if I've escaped I'll attack him."

"OKAY!" exclaimed Kisame, going back to jumping, ramming, and gnashing. Zetsu stayed perfectly still like a good houseplant, Sasori sat on the chair, only in his puppet now, and Itachi lay on the couch, pretending to sleep, but really watching Kisame acting like an idiot.

After ten rousing minutes of playing zoo, Deidara walked into the room, from where ever he had been before. Maybe he had been looking for Zetsu outside so he could apologize to him. ...NAH! "Um... Kisame, what are you doing... yeah?" he asked, head nodding as he watched Kisame jumping.

"We're playing zoo! I'm a shark and this is my tank! I'm trying to break out! Itachi is a sleepy weasel, he's waiting for the zoo keeper to come so he can attack him and escape! Sasori is an escaped scorpion, and Zetsu is a plant!" explained Kisame, not slowing down jumping at all. "Grrr! Raaawwwrrr! Chomp chomp chomp!"

Deidara's face brightened. "Oh! I thought you were just being weird again! Can I play? I'll be a cat... yeah!"

Kisame stopped jumping and looked at Deidara, right in the eye. "I dunno, this is a four player game. I don't think we can make an exception," said Kisame.

"What! Why are you excluding me? That's what Zetsu's for... yeah! How about I take his place, he isn't even doing anything!" said Deidara, getting a little annoyed.

"Uh, he **is** doing something, Deidara, he's being a plant. Besides, he was here first," replied Kisame. "You can't play, Deidara. Maybe next time." There was a small smile on Zetsu's face. Finally, someone was standing up for his right to play with everyone else!

"Yeah, Deidara, go somewhere else," said Zetsu in a small voice.

"Zetsu, don't push it," said Kisame.

"Sorry..." mumbled Zetsu.

"He's right, though, Deidara. Go away, you're interrupting our game." announced Kisame.

"Fine! I'll leave, then... yeah! I can play by myself, it isn't impossible! I'll have sooo much more fun than you're having here with the plant freak... yeah!" yelled Deidara, obviously having lot of NOT fun being shunned! He turned and stormed huffily out of the room. He sat in the hallway just outside of the living room, pouting. "I can't believe they chose Zetsu over me! I'll show them that I don't need them. I'll play zoo on my own... yeah!" Deidara got down on his hands and knees. "Meow! Mrrow! I'm a cat... yeah!" he told... umm... himself.

Deidara could still hear Kisame from the living room. "Haha! Chomp! You're missing part of your tail now, Itachi, you'd better run!"

Deidara frowned. "I'm better than that shark freak," he told himself. "Cats are better than sharks... yeah!" And with that he started cleaning himself like a cat. Only instead of licking the back of his hand and rubbing it everywhere, he just let the mouths on the palms of his hands lick him. GROSS OUT. Once he was sparkling clean he started walking to the living room. He was going to teach that Kisame a lesson.

"No one, and I mean **no one**, ignores** me**," hissed Deidara. As soon as he rounded the corner, Kisame stopped moving again. He had been chomping Zetsu.

"I **thought** I told you that you couldn't play, Deidara!" exclaimed a less-than happy Kisame.

Deidara ignored him. "Mrew," he mrewed, but no one was seduced, because no one understands the way I do. He walked up to Kisame, (still on his hands and knees,) and rubbed up against him in a feline fashion.

Kisame kicked him away. "Deidara, I said **NO**!" yelled the shark man.

Deidara hissed at Kisame. He changed tactics and rubbed up against Zetsu instead.

"Um... nice kitty..." said Zetsu, petting Deidara nervously. He didn't want to make Kisame mad, but he didn't want Deidara to hate him, either.

"Zetsu, you're a houseplant, you don't have arms! And besides! **Deidara's. Not. Playing.**" said Kisame.

"Oh... sorry Deidara. I guess I can't pet you..." said Zetsu and he pulled his arms back into his cloak.

Deidara stopped purring as Zetsu stopped petting. He sat down like a cat would and looked up innocently. "Miaow?"

"GO AWAY DEIDARA!" screeched Kisame, thoroughly annoyed that Deidara was wrecking his game. He started pulling Deidara's hair, trying to him out of the room.

Deidara hissed. This was the perfect opening. He jumped on to Kisame and started scratching at him with his nicely manicured purple nails that all Akatsuki are required to have.

"AUUGGHH! DEIDARA, STOP IT, THAT HUUURTS!" screamed Kisame, desperately trying to wrench Deidara off of his head.

Once Deidara was certain that his grip on Kisame was going to stay, he decided to take out his secret weapon which would have Kisame crying like a **baby** once he used it. He took his right hand, and held it near to Kisame's face. "THIS IS FOR EXCLUDING ME!" bellowed Deidara as the mouth on Deidara's hand opened, the tongue extended and ever so gently,_ licked _Kisame on the cheek.

Kisame's scream was heard clearly throughout the town. In fact, it was heard clearly through out the country. Then with a resounding **_thud, _**Kisame fell to the ground, unconscious. Deidara smiled and curled up, kitty style, on Kisame's unconscious body, purring. _'That'll teach him to exclude me... yeah.'_


	4. Kisame in the Toothbrush Caper

Okay. HERE YOU GO, MY LOVELIES. Udyjay reviewing reminded me that I was supposed to be updating. Ahaha. I was going to wait until I finished the Sasori chapter, but... uh... I'm not even half done that... ANYHOW. When I write down ideas for chapters, I almost always put a name beside them so that I will remember who they are supposed to focus on. But... I tend to go off subject. OH WELL. This chapter was betaed by Jenny AND Mik, so it's double error proof! Yay! 

**Disclaimer:** I do not own Naruto. The rights to it, at least. I _do_ own the dvds and some manga.

* * *

Kisame was not a morning person. Quite the opposite, really. He was more of wake-up-at-three-in-the-afternoon-and-walk-around-half-conscious-until-he-walked-into-something-and-was-jolted-awake-by-the-pain kind of person. Today was no exception. He rose from his bed, and stumbled to the bathroom.

Kisame proceeded to do fun bathroom things, such as relieving himself and applying deodorant. With the bathroom door wide open, mind you, because he was too out of it to close it. Everyone knew that though, and avoided that hallway like the plague. Of course, they only knew from experience, and Deidara had been lucky number one to experience it. And by lucky I mean unlucky. OF COURSE. Ooooh, Deidara had needed a lot of therapy after that. Good thing he has no personal life for the therapy to cut in to!

So, anyway. Back to Kisame. He brushed his hair with the brush that was conveniently on the counter, (it was probably Itachi's judging by the black hairs stuck around the bristles,) then put some toothpaste on his toothbrush and scrubbed each individual razor sharp tooth with loving care.

"Kisameee, are you in the washroom?" a voice called from around a corner, where there was no chance of them seeing Kisame naked incase he had left the door open.

"Yuh," said Kisame. "I'm just brushing my teeth."

"Could you brush them downstairs or something? I reeeeeally need to pee... yeah," said the voice, who was so obviously Deidara. He had ran from his place behind the corner to right outside of the washroom the second he was sure that Kisame was decent. Of course, Kisame _could_ have been brushing his teeth while naked, but he had only done that once. Deidara stood, knees together, clutching his crotch in that adorable way that young children seem to always do, waiting for Kisame to leave so that he could go.

Kisame rolled his eyes. "Fine," he said, walking out, toothbrush and all. The second he was out, Deidara ran in and slammed the door. Oh, how silly Unnamed Akatsuki Number One had been getting a headquarters with only one bathroom. Kisame walked down to the kitchen, and sat down at the table, across from Itachi.

"Morning, Itachi!" said Kisame, his voice oddly clear considering he was still brushing his teeth to a shining perfection.

"Kisame... what are you doing?" asked Itachi, hardly looking up from his giant bowl of Count Chocula breakfast cereal.

"What, no 'Good morning, Kisame'? No 'I hope you slept well, Kisame'?" said Kisame, sounding perturbed.

"What are you doing, Kisame?" repeated Itachi.

"I'm brushing my teeth. Deidara kicked me out of the bathroom," said Kisame.

"You aren't brushing your teeth, Kisame."

"Uh, yeah I am. What does it **look** like I'm doing?" Kisame said, with a look on his face that said something along the lines of 'geez, Mangekyou Sharingan is really messing up your eyes'.

Itachi looked up from his Count Chocula. "It looks like you're moving your hand back and forth in front of your partially open mouth."

"Uh, yeah. that's what brushing your teeth entails, Itachi."

"You aren't using a toothbrush."

Kisame looked scandalized. He was **so **using a toothbrush. To state this fact, he intelligently yelled, "I am too!"

"No you aren't," said Itachi through a mouthful of his cereal.

"Uh, yeah, I am! See!" Kisame held out his toothbrush, only to find that, _gasp_, it wasn't there!

"I told you," said Itachi.

Kisame gasped. "Oh no! I neeeeeeed to clean my teeth! Otherwise they'll rot and I'll have to go the the _dentist_!"

Itachi rolled his eyes. Maybe he shouldn't have told Kisame that his toothbrush was imaginary...

"Woe! WOE!" cried Kisame. He latched onto Itachi's shirt. "Itachi!" He cried into his friends face, shaking him as he spoke. "You have to help me! Can I use your toothbrush, please! My life depends on it!"

Itachi nearly choked on his chocolaty cereal, not so much from the shaking as from the thought of Kisame using his toothbrush. "No," he stated plainly.

"PLEASE!"

Itachi didn't want to repeat himself. So he said nothing.

"Can I at least borrow ten dollars to go buy a new one?" pleaded Kisame.

"Why do you need ten dollars to buy a _toothbrush_?" asked Itachi incredulously.

"I need a really good one!" whined Kisame. "Pleeeeease?"

"I am not lending you ten dollars just for a toothbrush," said Itachi irratably.

"Is there anything I can do so that you'll think about it?" asked Kisame, actively trying and failing to restrain himself from panicking.

Itachi thought for a moment. He_ could _use a personal slave... The wheels began turning in his mind. "You can start by getting me the cereal and the milk," he said, because he had just finished his first bowl, and all this toothbrush nonsense had made him hungry...er. Hungrier.

"Okay!" said Kisame perkily, running over to get Itachi his cereal. He got the milk, then picked up the cereal box, finding it suspiciously light. "Um, Itachi, I don't think there's any cereal left..." he said, laughing nervously.

Itachi stared at him. "Are you sure?"

"Yeah..."

"DAMN IT!" cried Itachi, in a most un-Itachi-like way. He dug around in his pockets for a minute, and pulled out five dollars. "Go get me more cereal. Make sure it's a good kind. Get one with those horrible electric toothbrushes with the characters from the boxes on them. You can have the toothbrush." He handed Kisame the money and pushed him out the door. "Be quick."

Kisame smiled broadly, and skipped off to the local grocery store, his long foreboding cloak with the red clouds flapping in the breeze behind him. Then he remembered that he hadn't brushed his teeth that morning, and promptly stopped smiling, because potential friends or girlfriends would no doubt be totally turned off by his plaque! So pursing his lips as tight as they could go, he started browsing through the aisle that consisted solely of cereal. He picked up a large box of Fruit Loops, because it was the only kind that had toothbrushes in them that Itachi would actually eat.

"Excuse me, young man, I couldn't help but notice that the cereal in your hand is chock full of sugar!"

Kisame turned around to see a little old lady, who looked about eighty years old and was less than half Kisame's height. "Um..."

The lady smiled in a overly sweet way. "You might like to try something more like this. It's more healthy for you," she said, holding up a box of Grape Nuts.

Kisame shuddered. "No, I don't think Itachi likes those. I don't think anyone likes those," said Kisame. Somehow he was too polite to just kick the old lady and run.

"Oh, who's Itachi? Is she your girlfriend?" asked the lady. Kisame looked petrified. "So you're buying the cereal for her, how sweet! Is she pregnant and craving cereal?"

Kisame had a sudden fit of coughing.

"Oh, dear! Here, have some prune juice, it will coat your throat," said the lady, offering him a cup of prune juice from absolutely nowhere. Kisame didn't take it from her, he wasn't** insane. **

Well, in his _own_ opinion, at least.

"No, I'll be fine," wheezed Kisame quickly. He checked to make sure that the lady hadn't gone and switched his cereal with something like Shredded Wheat or Grape Nuts, and speed-walked away from the lady before she said something else and he choked to death on air. The man at the till looked at him a little strangely for buying the cereal. Maybe because he thought it was weird that such a creepy looking man was buying a sweet cereal that came with a free toothbrush. Or maybe because he had blue skin and resembled a shark. ...Either way.

Kisame thought he was home free as he paid for the Fruit Loops. He was just receiving his change, (or rather, Itachi's change,) when he felt a tug at the back of his long foreboding cloak with the red clouds. He turned around to see the little old lady.

"I just wanted to wish your girlfriend an easy pregnancy," she said, smiling. The man behind the counter coughed a cough that sounded suspiciously like an attempt to cover a laugh.

Kisame grimaced. "Just leave me alone, okay! And what's so funny?" he said ferociously. Or he tried to be ferocious, anyhow.

"Your... girlfriend... is she..." The man didn't finish because he broke out into hysterical laughter.

"Are you implying that my girlfriend is invisible and/or horribly ugly!" Kisame roared. This only made the man laugh harder, so Kisame cried an enraged battle cry, and began raging, tearing things apart with his terrible shark like claws! And by that I mean his perfectly manicured purple nails.

"Security!" screeched the cashier who had been stupid enough to doubt Kisame's sexiness and charm.

Grocery store security ninjas jumped down from every which way. "Prepare to get banned from this store for life, Shark-scum!" yelled one of the random ninjas.

Full of youthful passion, Kisame lunged at them.

* * *

There was a creak as the door opened. Itachi looked up to see Kisame come in, carrying the box of cereal. The taller man placed it on the table in front of him, where he had been sitting the entire time.

"You took a while," said Itachi.

"Yeah, well... things happened. We might not want to go to the grocery store on Main street anymore, though."

Itachi nodded. "Fruit Loops?" he asked, tearing open the top of the cardboard box.

"It was the only kind that you might like that came with a toothbrush," explained Kisame.

"Oh. Okay. I haven't had them in a while," said Itachi.

"Good. Can I have my toothbrush now?"

"Yeah," said Itachi, handing Kisame the horrible thing. It had Toucan Sam on it. "Oh, I forgot to mention it before you left, but you're my slave now."

"Oh. Bed slave?"

"No, just the regular type," stated Itachi.

"Okay," said Kisame. "Well... if you don't have anything for me to do, I'm going to go brush my teeth now."

"Oh, you can go. Beat Deidara up for me after you're done, though, he was the one who was eating my cereal."

"Will do," Kisame said over his shoulder as he skipped upstairs to brush his teeth with extra tender, loving attention.


	5. Suna's 27th Annual Puppet Convention

Okay, I decided to use "Sentence, yeah" instead of "Sentence... yeah" for Deidara. PLACE YOUR VOTE. Also, I lost my list of ideas earlier! I was so distraught. Especially because some piece of paper had gone through the wash earlier (I knew this because the little pieces of which were clinging to my black clothing). So about a week later my mom found my list and I rejoiced. It is safe upstairs now, I think. It should be in my folder... but... I'll check, later. I NEED TO DEVELOP KISAME'S CHARACTER MORE.

-Chapter might not be betaed, I can't honestly remember. Tell me if there are zillions of mistakes and I'll go hunt down the betaed version.

-Someone volunteer to be my timer. It entails telling me to update after, lets say... every 10 days. Otherwise I forget.

**Disclaimer:** I TOTALLY OWN A NARUTO KEYCHAIN NOW. But not the rights to the series.

* * *

For the most part, when the Akatsuki weren't out on reconnaissance missions, they liked to stay home and relax. A visible exception to this was Sasori. While he did enjoy relaxing, what he enjoyed even more was a good convention. Any sort, really, he wasn't too picky. In fact, recently he had gone to a chamber pot convention. It was quite the experience. But right now there were no conventions in town that he was aware of.

Sasori lay spread out on a couch, just waiting for the mail to come. The useless fliers that everyone despised were his love-- they often gave him knowledge of obscure conventions. So you can only imagine how excited he was when the doorbell rang. He heard Deidara and Kisame barreling down to the door to answer it, and it was confirmed that it was indeed the mail man when he heard Deidara screech, "ZETSU, MAIL MAN'S HERE, YEAH!"

He waited patiently on the couch, waiting for Deidara or Kisame to come in looking for Zetsu to force him to eat the poor postal worker. He wasn't about to ruin his mysterious air by running to find them and begging them to tell him that there was something for him. No, he was far above that. Luckily, he didn't have to wait long, and Kisame and Deidara came sneaking around the corner secret agent style, looking for the plant man who must have been avoiding them.

Deidara pushed Kisame forward, whispering "Go, go, go, yeah!" in a hurried voice. Kisame tumbled forward, then tried to turn it into a somersault and ended up banging into the coffee table. Deidara somersaulted, too, and ended up next to Kisame.

"Okay, Kisame, we have to find Zetsu quick. I had a good idea for a prank, and I want to try it out on Sasori, so we have to set it up before he gets back from where ever he is, yeah," said Deidara. Kisame nodded.

Okay, so they hadn't noticed he was in the room. Some S-Ranked criminals they were.

"Why Sasori, though?" asked Kisame, his voice sounding unsure.

"Because we need to get Zetsu to lure him into it, so we can't do it on Zetsu, yeah. We could have done it to Zetsu, except we need someone to lure the person, and Zetsu doesn't trust us and there's no way Itachi or Sasori would help us, yeah."

"Oh."

Deidara pushed Kisame again, and Kisame started rolling to the other side of the room, close to where the hallway was. Deidara started to follow, and Sasori decided that it was now or never. He cleared his throat loudly, causing Deidara to stop in mid roll.

"Was there any mail for me?" asked Sasori.

"Um... that depends... did you hear about our plan, yeah...?"

"What do you mean 'our'? It was all his idea, Sasori! Don't hurt me!" pleaded Kisame.

"Yeah..." said Sasori. "Whatever... is there any mail for me?"

"Um... if I say yes will you forgive me, yeah?" asked Deidara.

"Probably not," stated Sasori.

"Oh. Will you give us a ten second head start to get away, yeah?" tried Deidara.

"Sure," said Sasori. "If there's mail for me."

Kisame moved forwards cautiously, and handed Sasori a wad of junk mail. Sasori looked through them all with super human speed, and stopped, wide-eyed, on the last one. Kisame and Deidara took his momentary pause as an opportunity to get the hell out of there. Sasori could have cared less about their escape, his whole world was momentarily revolving around one thing and one thing only.

Suna's 27th Annual Puppet Convention.

The next thing he knew he had grabbed the scrolls in which some of his better puppets were sealed and was out the door without a single word to anyone. Except for Itachi, because Itachi was the one who he told all of his **deepest darkest secrets. **Like how he always cheated at cards and how his favourite colour was pink.

Being such a talented S-Ranked Criminal and all, it was no problem getting to Suna in excellent time. It didn't hurt that that guy driving the semi gave him a lift, either. Too bad Sasori didn't appreciate his sexual advances! So, one large oil truck explosion later, he was at the convention.

Inside, Sasori was in heaven. Puppets everywhere! Plays being performed! Live people being made into pup-- wait, no, there was none of that. He pranced around like only puppeteers know how, and decided that he should buy himself a booth and show off his awesome puppets! The only problem was he was lacking in money. So he sidled up to a person selling face paint and started trying to sweet talk him out of his booth.

"Hey, handsome, what'cha selling there?" asked Sasori, leaning on the counter of the booth and fluttering his eyelashes seductively.

"Kabuki face paint and other assorted goods," stated the man stiffly.

"Well, what do you say we--"

"Look, mister, are you going to buy something?" cut in Mr. Kabuki face paint and other assorted goods salesman.

Sasori ran his hand through his hair. "And what if what I want isn't your products?"

"Look, I don't swing that way. Your advances are flattering but totally unwanted unless you're going to buy something."

"Don't assume," said Sasori in his angry voice. He pulled out his wand and yelled "AVADA KADAVRA!" and the man dropped dead.

...Actually, that didn't happen. He actually did some sort of jutsu. But the result was the same, the guy was now dead. He tossed the body over into some puppet-repairing stall.

Sasori lay his head on the table and stroked it gently, while murmuring, "It's okay now, that stupid man is gone, we can be together now..."

After a few minutes of fawning over the booth and whispering sweet nothings to it, he started setting up his puppets. He shoved the dead man's merchandise on the floor, the glasses shattering and leaving stains of all colours on the ground from their contents. He was in the middle of spray painting a large black scorpion on the booth wall when people started wandering up to look at his puppets.

"Such detail!"

"Marvelous!"

"Oh, look at that one! It looks just like the third Kazekage!"

"Where did you get these, young man?"

Sasori straightened up proudly. "I made them!" he announced.

"What skill!" cried one lady. "It rivals that of the infamous Sasori of the Red Sand!"

Everyone went silent and glared at the woman.

"Do not say that! That Sasori bastard is a traitor! It is an insult to be compared to such a cur!" yelled an old man with a bald spot size the size of Texas.

"Oh, no, no, don't worry, I'm actually quite fond of Sasori. He's very good looking," said Sasori nonchalantly.

Cue about thirty incredulous stares.

"Oh yes," continued Sasori. "He's a good friend of mine. We share secrets all the time. We're definitely best friends. And, boy, what I wouldn't do to get in his pants. But, oh, he can be so shy sometimes, blushes at the slightest little touch... I won't stop trying though, he's just too sizzling hot to pass on."

"Um... okay. Well, very nice puppets. Time to go see other booths. Bye," said the old man in a hurried voice. Everyone left, leaving Sasori to stand alone in his booth, tending to his puppets.

"Um, excuse me, does this booth sell Kabuki paint?"

Sasori looked up. "That depends," he said. The person in front of him was a Suna Ninja, and had elaborate purple lines running across his face. He was dressed all in black, and had something bound up in off-white cloth strapped to his back. Lastly, he had a kitty-ear hat. In short, he was Kankurou.

"On what?" asked Kankurou, slightly perturbed. He could have _sworn_ that the stall that sold the paint had been here...

"If you have a puppet I can see," stated Sasori.

Kankurou rolled his eyes, and took out Karasu. He shoved it in Sasori's direction. "It's name is--"

"KARASU!" screeched Sasori. "Oh, I've missed you! Has Mr. Kitty-Ears been taking care of you? Oh! He has? Good!" Sasori then started babbling something to the puppet that sounded like "Who's a good boy? Who's a good boy? You are!"

"Um... You know of my puppet, then?" asked Kankurou, slightly put off by the strange man in the flowing cloak babying his puppet.

"Of course I do, Mr. Kitty-Ears! I made Karasu!" exclaimed Sasori.

"My name is Kankurou, not 'Mr. Kitty-Ears'," said Kankurou, sounding annoyed. "And Sasori of the Red Sand made this puppet, as well as my other ones. And **you**," he said, giving Sasori a hard look, "do not look to be_ the _Sasori. Too frail looking."

"Well, _Kankurou_, I'll have you know that I am a great puppet master! I happen to be very good at cards and mini golf, too. You shouldn't doubt me. Karasu doesn't doubt me! Do you, Karasu?"

"Karasu is a PUPPET!" yelled Kankurou, snatching Karasu away from the too obviously crazy man.

Sasori gasped. "He doesn't mean it, Karasu, Kanky is just being a silly head!" said Sasori, trying to comfort the puppet that was currently in Kankurou's grasp.

"Look, I don't know who you are or how you get of pretending that you're Sasori, but you should probably stop before someone is stupid enough to believe you and comes to collect the bounty on his head."

"This whole convention sucks," said Sasori sadly. "No one knows or believes that I am who I am," Sasori started putting his puppets away. "You look just like your father, you know, Kankurou. Did he ever manage to become Kazekage?" He jumped over the booth ledge and landed beside Kankurou, patting Karasu's head.

"...Yeah..." said Kankurou, backing up slightly.

"Oh. That's good to hear. He was pretty useless, actually, I'm surprised he managed to get good enough to get the title. Though saying that you're the Kazekage isn't exactly something to be proud of, they have pretty low standards... Oh well. I guess I'll be going then," said Sasori. He started walking to the door, and Kankurou's eyes followed him as he went. Then they just happened to stray for a moment, and what should they land on?

A wanted poster complete with a full colour picture of Sasori!

"Holy crap..." muttered Kankurou. He sent forth Karasu, who tangled his arms around Sasori. "Stop!" yelled Kankurou.

"Oh, Karasu, you wanted one last hug before I left, you poor dear," crooned Sasori, returning Karasu's 'hug'.

"You!" panted Kankurou. "You are Sasori! You're _the _Sasori!"

"Of course! Didn't I say that already?" asked Sasori. "Could you put Karasu away? Saying goodbye is too hard for him..."

"No! I have to keep you here until re-enforcement comes!"

"Oh. In that case..." There was a quick movement of Sasori's hands and Karasu fell to the floor in multiple pieces, Kankurou's chakra strings severed. "I'm sure you'll be able to put poor little Karasu back together. I had thought that knowing I was _the_ Sasori you'd try a little harder."

"Um... Yeah..." Kankurou's mind was working furiously. "I was just testing you. To see if you were really Sasori?" said Kankurou, hoping that the explanation would be excepted.

"Oh!" said Sasori, smiling. "In that case, do you want to hang out? Because this place isn't as fun as I thought it would be, and maybe it's be more exciting if I was with someone!"

"...Sure... uh... how about we go up there?" asked Kankurou, pointing to a staircase, leading to who knows where.

"OKAY!" exclaimed Sasori, running up the stairs. "Last one there is a rotting corpse!"

"...Right." said Kankurou. He pulled out a walkie-talkie. "This is Kankurou, I'm at Suna's 27th Annual Puppet Convention. Sasori of the Red Sand is here, I have him upstairs in the loft. Send backup. Over." With that he ran up the stairs after Sasori.

Sasori was lounging on the couch of the small loft, reserved for the Kazekage. Since Kankurou happened to be the Kazekage's brother, he had been allowed to use it with Gaara's permission.

"You're the rotten corpse," announced Sasori.

"I certainly am..." said Kankurou, standing awkwardly by the door.

"Come, sit down..."

"Um... You're taking up the whole couch."

"Don't let that stop you."

Kankurou walked over to Sasori and sat down on the couch with him, god knows how he fit, chanting in his head, 'I'm doing this for Suna, I'm going this for Suna, I'm doing this for Suna...'

"What's wrong, sexy?" asked Sasori, wrapping his arms around Kankurou's waist.

"GAH! I CAN'T TAKE THIS!" yelled Kankurou, jumping up from the couch. "I don't care if I'm supposed to keep you here until re-enforcement arrives! Get out!"

Sasori pouted. "Fine then." With that the got up to leave. "NOBODY LIKES ME!" he screeched. "I'M HATED MORE THAN ZETSU!"

Kankurou watched Sasori zoom down the stairs. "Geez, what a freak."

Sasori, meanwhile, was in a corner, crying his little eyes out.

"Sasori?"

"Go away!" Sasori said, not looking up.

"Sasori, get up," repeated the voice.

"No, Itachi! I'm too busy being distraught!" sniffed Sasori. "Woe!"

"What happened?" asked Itachi, looming over Sasori in a way that would frighten anyone else.

"Oh! This boy... I thought... but... he didn't... The signs! The signs were all present! I thought that he... would..." Sasori burst out into a new set of tears.

"It's okay Sasori, I'm sure you were too good for him, anyhow," chided Itachi.

"But, Itachi! My fragile little heart! WOE!"

"Sasori, shut up. You get shot down so much you should be used to it."

Sasori frowned. "Don't say that in public! That's a secret!" he hissed. "I'll never get over this, I tell you! Mark my words!"

"Okay, but it's time to go now." said Itachi, pulling Sasori to his feet.

"Why? I just got here though!"

"Because they've already sent for back up, and said back up is right behind us," explained Itachi. "I just had a manicure. I don't want to soil my nails."

"Oh... okay," sighed Sasori, slouching towards the door in Itachi's wake, Itachi having put everyone under some high-quality genjutsu.

"Hey, I know what will cheer you up!" said Itachi, nudging Sasori in the ribs.

"What?"

"A hooker!"

"Um... no thanks, Itachi."

"Oh. You want me to beat up Deidara or Kisame while you watch, then?"

Sasori perked up immediately. "Okay!"

And so the two best friends walked home together, cloaks flapping in the wind, talking merrily about the pain they would inflict and sharing new secrets.


	6. No wonder no one sends you mail

Okay, Important note: I have been getting grounded from the compupter a lot recently. Also, I have a feeling my computer is going to explode from those noises it is making. So it'll take a while for the next update.

**ALSO VERY IMPORTANT!** A while ago Paul brought it to my attention that "Hey, Sasori's butt can't hurt, _-points to chapter 271_-"

Well, the thing is that when I started this chapter 271 wasn't out. So for the sake of this story, forget that that chapter 271 was ever written. This chapter also makes more sense without the whole "I am Sasori, look at me, _**TEPPUP** a onti ydob ym edam I_," thing. (It is backwards because it is a **SPOILER**.)

And I want someone to make me a new Summary for this story! I will... uh... give a prize of some sort to the best one. The prize would prolly be a picture or a one shot fic of any pair or person you want. I REEEEAAAALLLY _need_ a new summary. **PLEASE!**

* * *

_**DING DONG**_

The sound of the doorbell echoed through the Akatsuki Headquarters. For a moment, all was silent. Then, the sound of multiple someones barreling towards the door.

"First!" yelled Kisame, ramming into the door because he hadn't taken the thought to slow himself down. Deidara touched the door a moment later, looking slightly flustered.

"That wasn't fair, yeah! I was in the shower! I demand a rematch, yeah!" said Deidara, clutching tightly onto the towel around his waist.

"Why should I give you a rematch? I won fair and square!" Kisame said as he opened the door, grabbing a wad of mail from the short mail man. "Wait here for minute," he said distractedly to the postal worker, who just nodded, blushing at the sight of Deidara in the towel. He closed the door in the main man's face, and continued talking to Deidara. "No one can take you seriously enough to give you a rematch when your hair looks like that."

Deidara 'chhed', and tried to push his soaked hair out of his eyes, but he couldn't. It was_ everywhere_. "It looks fine, yeah! Shut up! Now, let's just go find Zetsu, the mail man wont wait forever, yeah..."

And so Deidara and Kisame tromped off like good little girls to find Zetsu.

Now, let's rewind a little bit

The sound of the doorbell echoed through the Akatsuki Headquarters. For a moment, all was silent. Then, the sound of multiple someones barreling towards the door.

And if you listened really carefully, you could hear someone tiptoeing in the opposite direction.

Zetsu loathed when the mail came, as we all know. Not only was there never any mail for him, Deidara and Kisame made him eat the poor mail person. Every. Single. Time. Mail came so often that Zetsu rarely had time to digest. Venus fly traps don't need to eat very often, and offering him a new person everyday, (except Sundays), was a little too much. Not that he didn't like eating people, he just liked to do so in moderation.

So when Zetsu heard the doorbell ring at 11:25 sharp every morning, he tried to escape as quickly as he could and hide. That was one reason he was glad they changed headquarters, it was definately much easier to hide in a house than in a cave.

"I hear them coming! Where are we going to hide?" Zetsu asked, sounding frantic.

"It doesn't matter where, just hide!" hissed his dark half, sounding more annoyed with his light half.

"But it's so hard to find a place big enough to hide in!"

"Shut up! We don't have any time left. They're right behind that corner! In here! Quick!"

Zetsu ran in the conveniently placed room, and closed the door as quickly and quietly as he could. Seconds later he heard two sets of footsteps, thumping around, and voices whispering to each other. Soon they passed, leaving Zetsu alone in the foreign room. He backed up and flopped down on the bed.

"Ugh, now I'm going to have to stay here until I can be sure the mail person has left..." whined Zetsu's light half.

"Stop being such a baby! It's better than--- woah," he stopped in mid-sentence, looking around at the room and all it contained.

The entire room screamed eight year-old girl. The walls were painted pink, and covered in pictures of people like Hilary Duff and Aaron Carter, and other self-proclaimed 'Teen Idols'. A large vanity sat against one wall; bright red lip marks on the mirror, a hair brush and various other make-up products scattered on the surface. The bed was a few shades darker than the walls, with an excess of pillows and a comforter with hearts. A fluffy, white stuffed bunny sat on the pillows, and looked thoroughly loved and worn. The strangest part had to be the pictures stuck to the cork board. All of the Akatsuki were there, with little notes stuck beside them, and some with red marker all of the pictures.

Zetsu squinted his eyes in the semi-darkness. "What the hell?"

"It looks like we're all here..." said Zetsu's light half. The dark half grunted in response. "Well... can we... look for us?" Light asked somewhat nervously.

"Do what you want. Since when have I cared what you do?"

"Well, you seemed to care when I decided to take up ballet..."

"We don't talk about that," said Zetsu's dark half, eyes scanning the pictures.

There was a picture of the Akatsuki Leader, his face gouged out by something sharp. There were a lot of pins stuck on the picture, too. Beside it was a picture of Kisame, looking up from eating a chocolate ice cream cone, seemingly taken by surprise by the picture taker. There was a little face on the picture, and the note beside it said 'BFF'. Below that was a picture half covered and slightly blurred of Itachi. He looked like he had just gotten out of the shower, his hair was damp and messy, and was ready to kill. Apparently whoever had taken the picture hadn't gone unnoticed, and knowing Itachi, had been beaten up pretty badly for it. There was a little crying face on the picture, and the note beside it said "Note to self, don't bother Itachi."

"They didn't realize that just by looking at him...?" wondered Zetsu aloud.

"Oh look, there's us!" yelled Zetsu, pointing at a picture of him, hanging upside down. He was instantly reprimanded my himself for being loud while in hiding.

There were actually a few pictures of Zetsu there, all of them right after or during a prank someone had played on him. Like when that five year old had tripped him... And when he had a pair of panties glued to his back, and when he was dressed in full ballet apparel. The usual.

The next two caught his attention in a not pleasant, (In Zetsu's mind, at least,) way. It was a picture of Deidara, in his silky purple boxers, surrounded in little hearts. The note merely said 'sexy'... except it was spelled 'sexxxxxxxxiiii' because that's how all that 'cool' kids do it. Zetsu quickly averted his eyes to the nearest other picture, which happened to be Sasori. It was another shower picture, taken slightly from the side, Sasori looking at something away from the camera, so presumably he hadn't know it had been taken. There was a heart around his head, but the most frightening part had to be the fact that he was absolutely naked. Not that you could see anything for the angle it was taken from, but still. The note pinned beside it only read "BIG".

It was with no hesitations that Zetsu ran screaming out of the frightening pink room.

About two hours later, Kisame and Deidara stumbled in on Zetsu in a corner, huddled up in a ball, whispering "Don't think about it, don't think about it, don't think about it..."

"Hey, what happened to you, yeah?" asked Deidara, nudging Zetsu with his shoe.

Zetsu looked up, smiling eerily. "Nothing! Nothing, I'm fine! Fine, fine, fine..."

"Um... if you say so..." said Kisame, backing up slightly.

"The mail came," said Deidara, throwing a pile of mail at Zetsu. "I guess you weren't here, yeah."

"For me?" asked Zetsu incredulously.

"Yuh," said Kisame, half way down the hall already. Deidara turned to follow Kisame.

"Wait! Um... do you guys know of any... uh... little girls around here?" asked Zetsu.

Kisame raised his eyebrow. "Why, you into that sort of thing?"

"What? No! I just... um... what is with that pink room around the corner?"

"Oh, that's mine, yeah," said Deidara casually. "Anything else, yeah?"

"...No," said Zetsu with a whimper. Deidara and Kisame saw that as the end of an already too long conversation and left.

"Deidara's... room... Deidara's... room..." mumbled Zetsu, rocking back and forth.

"Hey, snap out of it!" said Zetsu's dark half. "Open the mail!"

Zetsu nodded and grabbed the closest piece of mail. It was addressed in red ink. He tore it open, careful not to damage the letter.

_PARENT KILLING BASTARD! I'LL KILL YOU! DIE! DIIIIIIEEEEEEE! I WILL AVENGE THEM AS SOON AS OROCHIMARU GIVES ME THE ADDRESS OR WHEN I CAN ASSAULT KABUTO WHILE HE'S TAKING THE MAIL TO THE POST OFFICE. I HATE YOU! I HATE YOU SO MUCH IT CANNOT EVEN BE EXPRESSED THROUGH CAPITAL LETTERS! DIIIIIIIIIIEEEEEEEE! HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE_

The entire rest of the paper was covered in the word 'hate'. He put the letter down and reached for the next one.

_HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE..._

Another letter entirely composed of the word 'hate'. Next letter...

_Dear Itachi,_

_This is Orochimaru, really. Not Sasuke pretending to be Orochimaru so I can trick you into giving me your address so that I can kill you. Er... he can kill you. Grammatical error. Next time I will use pencil. I am writing to say that Sasuke is prettier, better, and stronger than you and also has a larger penis. I would give up and beg for forgiveness if I were you. Then maybe I'd forgive you. HA! What a laugh! No, I will never forgive you! BECAUSE YOU KILLED OUR CLAN! I HATE YOU! HAAAAAAAATE! _

_I mean... that's... what Sasuke would say... yes... but I am Orochimaru... not Sasuke..._

_Please meet me at the tea shop on Broad st. at 1:30 pm Sunday night. Do not bring any weapons. Tie your hands together behind your back. Blind fold, or preferably, gouge out your eyes. Plug your ears, also. Can't wait, see you then._

_Orochimaru_

_P.S. Bring some of those chocolate chip cookies you used to make, they're very good._

"Maybe I should just skip the ones addressed in red ink..." murmured Zetsu. He reached for a letter addressed in nice, plain, black ink.

_hey itahci i lyk totali found u!11! it tuk such a long time tho but it was wurth it cuz im lyk ur biggest fan!1!2# zomgz u guyz r lyk totali stonrg an dstuff but ur reli mean i wish u guyz wud all die except itachi cuz hes lyk totali kawaii!1!1!one! b mi bf!_

_u shud try an get the wieird blu guy plastic surgery or sumthin cuz blue is so out. and that weird guy wit hthe long blonde hair shud get is cut cuz guyz are suposed 2 b hotttt not freakz wit long ahir!1one1 n the guy with the puppets didnt evn hit on me!1!11 is he blind? bcuz if he is it is ok but if he isnt den he shud have hit on me cuz i m supah hottt!_

_n most importntly is that wiiedr green guy who luks lyk a plant! geez hes so weird i bet he never had a gf or anythin cuz hes so wierd. has any1 tried smoking him mayb he is lyk pot or sumthin iunno lolzzz1 'tachi fone me 646-5000 for a gud time i luv yaz babi but only u and not ur wierd friends u shud ditch dem cuz u r 2 cool 4 dem!11_

_luv yaz xoxoxoxo baibai cyaz ttyl lolz omg fone me! luv! xoxox_

"W-w-w-ierd?" sniffed Zetsu, starting to cry.

"S-stop it, don't pay a-attention to what some illiterate n00b s-said. S-stop crying, it's m-making it hard for me t-to t-talk!" reprimanded Zetsu's dark half.

"I-i'll t-try..."

"Hn. Read another one. Keep your mind off it."

"Okay..."

_Dear Uchiha Itachi,_

_We have found you suitable to be a member of our exclusive club, The Cliché Evil Older Brother Association, or just "Jerks" because "C.E.O.B.A" isn't a very good acronym. We jerks have found you suitable, because of the following qualifications:_

_-Is an older brother_

_-Is evil_

_We are currently on a membership drive, for Jerks sincerely needs to increase our numbers. We are currently composed of President Sesshoumaru, Vice President Hao, Secretary Vergil, Treasurer Folken, and Senior Members Vegeta, Shuboshi, Millions Knives, Ken, Envy and Teenage Souma Ayame._

_You would be inducted as Junior Member, and after a year would be moved up to Senior Member. _

_If you would like to join, please send a letter of confirmation to the return address. Please tell anyone with either qualification about us, even if you do not wish to Join. That action alone would be greatly appreciated._

_Thank you,_

_President_

_Sesshoumaru_

_P.S. Please send some of your chocolate chip cookies, we have heard wonderful things about them._

Zetsu was getting a sinking suspicion that this mail wasn't for him. It seemed to be Itachi's mail... Zetsu paled at the idea. Itachi would KILL him if he found out that he had been reading his mail... maybe Deidara and Kisame had planned that.

"We should stop reading these, and give it to Itachi and explain," whimpered Zetsu.

"... You're right. But let's read one more to be sure, okay?" replied Zetsu's Dark half.

_Dear Mr. Uchiha,_

_After thoroughly reading through the list of symptoms you sent us, we believe that your vision may be deteriorating. You should make and appointment and come in to get an official eye test. If nothing is done, your vision may get worse and worse, perhaps unto the point of blindness._

_It is in your best interest to set up an appointment as soon as possible._

_Thank you,_

_Mayfair Eye Clinic_

"...Okay, this is Itachi's mail," said Zetsu, gathering up all the envelopes and letters. "We should probably give it to him, maybe he wont hurt us if we're honest..."

"What?" asked Zetsu's dark half incredulously. "I'm not telling the truth! We can just tell him that Deidara and Kisame opened it! Those two have no credibility anyhow!"

"But... I don't like the idea of lying to Itachi... I don't think I can..."

"Then I'll do it!"

"What?"

"Just let me talk to him, okay?"

"Well... I don't know..." said Zetsu's light half. During the conversation with himself, he had already gotten up and waltzed his way over to where Itachi was sitting.

"OKAY!"

"Okay, okay!" he said. "Just... do it quick!"

"Okay..." said Zetsu, walking over to Itachi.

"I still don't--"

"SHH!"

Itachi raised an eyebrow at Zetsu shushing himself. However, it was commonly known that Zetsu was kinda weird, so he put it off as that.

"Hey, Itachi," said Zetsu, sitting down across the table from the Uchiha. "What'cha doing?"

"Eating cereal..." said Itachi warily. "What do you want?"

"Oh. Well, here," Said Zetsu, handing Itachi the mail. "Kisame and Deidara opened it then tried to pin the blame on me."

"Really now..."

"Yeah, you should probably beat them up really good. How about I go get them for you?" suggested Zetsu.

"That sounds good. Go get them..." said Itachi, as Zetsu started walking away. "Get Sasori, too, this'll cheer him up."

"What?" said Zetsu, turning around to face Itachi again. "Sasori?"

"Yes. Oh, wait, never mind, there he is."

Zetsu spun around to see Sasori standing right behind him.

Zetsu then let out a blood-curdling scream, ran into a wall, and slid to the floor unconscious.

"...Hi?" asked Sasori, looking at Zetsu's unconscious figure. He shrugged, muttering "Whatever", and sat down beside Itachi.


	7. Kisame's date

Sorry for taking so long to update, I am on a bit of a lazy kick. And by that I mean I have been obsessing about Prince of Tennis. So nerdy! Only three more chapters until OP torment Konoha Genins. This chapter also didn't turn out as good as I had thought it would. Oh well... And suprise appearance by members of my favourite band EVER!

**Disclaimer:** I don't own Naruto.

* * *

Itachi sat in bed naked (because that is how he slept, and like hell he was going to go through the trouble of getting dressed), playing his hand-held electronic Connect Four game. The last few days had been stressful: so much time spent beating up Deidara and Kisame for being stupid. But they couldn't help it, he supposed. Of course he didn't dwell too long on the thought of their intelligence levels, because the computer had made its move and it was again his turn. 

There was a quiet, almost hesitant knock on his door. "Who is it!" he called irritably, not breaking his eye contact with the little screen.

There was a pause, then in a quiet voice: "Kisame."

"What do you want?"

"Um... I need your help with something..."

Itachi sighed and put his game down - and by that I mean he threw it over his shoulder where it broke into a zillion pieces as it smashed into the wall. "Come in, then."

Kisame opened the door and shuffled in, looking at the ground. He stopped in front of Itachi, the Uchiha giving him a look that said something like, 'Just tell me what the hell is that you want before you annoy me too much.'

"Umm... I was wondering... if maybe, erm... if you weren't... too, uh, busy... if maybe you could..."

"OUT WITH IT, YEAH!" yelled Deidara from the door.

Kisame and Itachi stared at the blond for a moment in shock, before both gave him death glares. Itachi's was more effective, of course.

"Erm. I'm sorry, yeah," said Deidara in a hurried voice. "I was walking along and heard you talking and thought maybe it would be cool to yell that but I guess not so – bye, yeah." He rushed out of the room before he had even finished his last 'yeah'. This time Kisame closed the door behind him.

"So, what did you want?" drawled Itachi, looking over the side of his bed at the shattered pieces of plastic. Maybe he should have just placed it down nicely.

"Um... Well. I kinda have a date and I was wondering if maybe you could spiff me up a bit," Kisame said.

Itachi raised an eyebrow. "You haven't been telling those people who want to join that it is a requirement to go out with you first again, have you?"

"No!" exclaimed Kisame, maybe a little too quickly. "I _can_ get a date on my own, you know!"

Itachi gave him a look that said 'Uh, what_ever_, when was the last time you did** that**?'. Kisame frowned. "So... why do you need me to do this, why can't you have Deidara do it or something? He certainly has enough makeup."

"He's been making fun of me! Besides, I trust you more! Look at you! You're more masculine than he is," stated Kisame. "Even though you wear makeup, too..."

Itachi was slightly confused, but he supposed that was supposed to be a compliment. And since having Kisame, who was _so_ much less pretty than him, ask him for help and compliment him made him feel so superior and cheery that he decided to go along with it. "Okay, Kisame, I'll tell you what. I'll do your hair and makeup and stuff, but you're gonna have to do stuff for me later."

"Um... okay, Itachi. But... I already have to do anything you tell me, remember? The toothbrush? You never said when my being your slave ends."

"That's right!" exclaimed Itachi gleefully. "You're still my slave! Awesome! This'll work out well, then! Sit down now, so I can start."

And so Kisame sat down at the chair in front of Itachi's vanity, and Itachi lept of his bed, dragging most of the bed sheets with him for censorship's sake.

And so he did all he could to make Kisame as beautiful as possible. It was fairly hard work. About half an hour later, Itachi proclaimed he was done with Kisame.

"Now get your butt out of my chair!" exclaimed Itachi, tipping Kisame off said piece of furniture.

"But what about blush? I need blush!" whined Kisame.

"Look, Kisame, I have no shade of blush that wouldn't look completely ridiculous on that blue skin of yours. Now go." Itachi rubbed his temples.

"But Itachiiii..."

"LISTEN TO YOUR MASTER, YEAH!"

Once again, Deidara scrambled from the door in fear of being mauled.

Kisame sighed a loud sigh. "I guess I'll go, then..." He got up and slouched over to the door. Right when he was outside the door, he turned. "But--"

**SLAM**

Kisame stared for a minute at the closed door, before yelling, "FINE! I hate you too, POOH-HEAD!"

And so Kisame ran off, fearing for his life.

* * *

Kisame didn't stop sprinting until he had reached the restaurant. He quietly told the waiter-seater-'This way, sir' guy what his name was, and was seated - because he had been a smart little date-planner and had got a reservation! 

It was then Kisame spotted the bread sticks. He reached out for one hesitantly, and started munching on the tasteless baked good. He was on the last one when a woman with pale skin, long blue hair, and blue lipstick approached, accompanied by a sex-god-y male. The female whispered something into the male's ear.

"He says, are you Kisame?" relayed the male.

Kisame nodded, and both newcomers sat down.

"Um... Mana, right?" asked Kisame through a mouth full of bread. The blue-haired woman nodded. He turned to her companion. "And you are...?"

Mana whispered something in to the guy's ear again, and said "He says that who I am is irrelevant. I am just here to relay what he wants to say."

Kisame was kinda like, 'Ooookaaaaaayy, weirdo'. But not out loud. Actually, he would have been just stupid enough to say it out loud, except the waiter had come over and handed them menus. The guy accompanying Mana refused the menu politely.

So after ordering, the silence was really getting to Kisame. Cuz, hell - he hung out with _Deidara _all the time, and that guy never shut up. It was always 'Kisame, run, quick, or he'll get you, too!' or 'Kisame, I need you to stand right here. Don't move til Sasori comes, okay?' or 'Kisame, Itachi told me to tell you to give me sexual favours.'

Of course, Itachi had said no such thing.

Anyhow, he was getting antsy. So; being the idea-fountain he is, he decided to make small talk!

'So, Mana. What do you like to do in your spare time?'

More whispering. "He says he has no spare time: his entire life is dedicated to music, and anything he does has to do with that," explained the guy. I'm sure you've ALL guessed who it is my now. Hint: Moon Child.

"Oh," said Kisame. He kinda looked like he was expecting something like, 'Oh, I play checkers!' ... or maybe 'Oh, I'm a porn star!'

There was another long, painful silence. Kisame was saved when the waiter came back with their food. Mana had ordered a croissant, for no apparent reason except for don't feel like thinking of anything else.

Kisame had ordered... well. It was a kind of lumpy something-or-other floating around in a greenish-coloured broth. It reeked of dead fish - the kind that died on the beach and little kids poke at. Apparently this didn't bother Kisame, and he started downing the repulsive substance, whereas Mana was politely nibbling his croissant.

"So, what now?" asked Kisame, who had finished his goo in about half a minute. Mana whispered something into Mr. I'm-Just-Kinda-Here's ear.

"He says that you have repulsed him utterly."

"Oh..."

Silence.

"...Why do you keep referring to Mana as 'he'?"

"Because he is Mana, and he is the queen."

"Um... ?"

"...He's a guy."

"Oh."

Silence.

"_Ooohh_..."

Mana continued nibbling on his croissant.

"Well, this is awkward!" said Kisame. "Would you excuse me, I need to go to the bathroom."

Kisame got up and headed vaguely in the direction of the bathrooms. And, ever so conveniently, there was an exit right next to them.

Mana and his friend exchanged glances briefly, got up, and left. Through the front door.

* * *

"And then, when I got back from the washroom, they were both gone!" exclaimed Kisame. 

"They probably thought you weren't coming back, yeah," said Deidara, nodding sagely. "I wouldn't have."

Kisame frowned. "I got all prettied up for nothing!" he sobbed. "Woe! Woooeeee!"

Deidara patted Kisame on the back comfortingly. "Shh, it's okay, yeah. I have an idea, if you don't want to waste the makeup..."

"What?" sniffed Kisame.

"We can play house! You can be the pretty stay-at-home mom, Zetsu will be our kid, and I'll be the abusive father, yeah! But only abusive to Zetsu."

"Okay!"


	8. In which Itachi attempts to make origami

**Message By The Monty...because...I feel like it: **THERE. Monty has fixed the booboos :B!...Now to finish that Zakuro-chan pic..

(Monty dearest beta-ed this one! Whoo! It seems I am getting a new beta for every chapter... )

ANYHOW. To apologize for taking so long for my last update, I am updating really quick this time, as well as answering the reviews for the last chapter!

**Udyjay **- Haha. If you want, I could put some KisaIta in there... eheh. And I most certainly will try and put more Sasori in... he is actually the hardest to write into the story D:

**Fantastical Queen Ebony Black** - Aww, thanks. I was really skeptical about that chapter ... Yeah! I love Mana. Mana is love, Kami is dead. :) ...And Deidara is totally trying to get in Kisame's pants all the time. Or rather, he is trying to get Kisame in his pants. Ahaha. Oh noes...

**Sevetenks the Ultimate F**(owl? THE ULTIMATE FOWL!)(Probably not) - People pick on Zetsu because he is so easily picked on. He is good for boosting other peoples egos. Which is probably why they keep him around. I love Zetsu, though, don't get me wrong.

**mnf - **Yeah, but being messed p makes it good? YES? Tell me yes :(

**Kill SakuSasu** - I am glad to have made your day. It is what I live for. Actually, I live for impressing people. Yeah... Iunno, I have seen a few cracky Akatsuki fics... but after I started writing this, of course . I would agree that there is a lot of crap in the Naruto section. Especially in the K-T section, in my opinion. But whatever. (My fic is T? Ahaha.)

Yeah, Zetsu is abused. It is what he was created for. Yeah, I warned about OOC in the first chapter for a reason. But whatever, it's funny, right? RIGHT? Yeah... Sasori is an equal opportunities kind of guy. (Actually, in my opinion, all of the Akatsuki are gay, but I have been trying to tone it down because, like, no one in the K-T section seem to like gay pairings.)

**Mistress DragonFlame **- Kay, guys, you know, this fic doesn't take much remembering what happened in the last chapter. Actually... I can't remember what happened in the last chapter. Oh, wait, yes I can.

Poor Kisame indeed. Mana is a jerk.

**Somebody-unknown **- Dude. It is amazing how much praise was stuck into your review. At least, I took it as praise. Whatever. Thanks, I suppose.

* * *

Uchiha Itachi had a superiority complex.

As he _-knew- _he was better than everyone, he had to be the best at everything. Perfect is as perfect does.

This may sound familiar; these sort of complexes ran in the Uchiha clan. This was probably one of the reasons Itachi killed of his clan. After all, how long can a group of people who are all convinced that they are the best get along? It makes you wonder how the Hyuugas lasted so long.

So, naturally, when Itachi saw some young children having fun making paper cranes, he made it his goal to become the best, fastest, awesomest origami-er EVER. So he flounced off to the craft store, and _cough_-stole-_cough_ some irogami. Which is coloured origami paper. Duh.

He sat himself down at the kitchen table, clearing everything off onto the ground with a crash. He instantly regretted it when he noticed that the blown glass kitty Sasori had made for him for his birthday was shattered. Oh well, things must suffer for progress!

He took his paper out with much care, and set it up so the colours were overlapping and you could see about once centimeter of each colour. Even the set-up had to be perfect, of course. He gingerly picked up a red piece, careful not to mess up the other papers, and started folding.

A few minutes later, he had produced a scrumpled ball. Unintentionally.

"This is harder than it looks..." muttered Itachi sadly. He looked at the picture of a finished crane that had come on the package. "What am I saying! I can do this!"

And another crumpled ball was produced. Itachi roared a roar of frustration. "I can't do this!" Ever so conveniently, Zetsu hear this roar.

"What can't you do?" asked Zetsu innocently.

"Nothing! I can't do nothing because I can do everything!" said Itachi defensively.

"Oh... well... can I do origami with you?" requested Zetsu. He had been abused by his 'parents' and ran away, and of course Deidara and Kisame wouldn't bother him if he was partaking in an activity with Itachi!

"No," said Itachi in the coldest voice he could muster. No way he was going to let _Zetsu_ show him up. Zetsu sighed sadly, and started to walk away when suddenly, a light went off in his head. "Wait, no, yes you can! Sit down, sit down sit down..." (Tuff ghost, tuff crowd, tuff love, sit down, sit down, sit down...)

Zetsu grinned, and whispered something to himself that sounded vaguely like 'Now don't mess this up!'. He sat down, and Itachi seemed to be glaring at him. In reality Itachi just wasn't capable of turning his glare off anymore. "Uh... may I...?"

Itachi nodded and Zetsu picked up a red piece form the top of the pile. "No, you can't have that one. Here," said Itachi, snatching the red paper away and giving Zetsu a green one.

Zetsu was kinda disappointed that he didn't get to use the red paper, but since he has a Lose-Win personality, he didn't say anything. So he carefully started folding, and was rewarded a moment later with a beautifully folded crane. Little did he know that Itachi had been watching his every move intently with his sharingan! Itachi set off folding at record speed.

"Finished!" proclaimed Itachi a few moments later.

"Um... that's a very nice... scrumpled ball?"

"Hey! It's not a scrumpled ball! It's a--" Itachi glanced down. "... scrumpled... ball..."

Zetsu was all like 'I just said that?' but not out loud.

"Quick! Make another one!" exclaimed Itachi, shoving more paper into Zetsu's hands. "Slow this time!"

Zetsu complied and did each fold very slowly. Itachi watched with crazy intensity. The second Zetsu was done, Itachi started on his own.

Another scrumpled ball of paper. Itachi was starting to doubt his sharingan.

"Um... do you not know how, Itachi?" asked Zetsu. Itachi just sort of glared at him. A real glare, this time, and not a 'my-eyes-look-like-this-all-the-time' glare.

"Hit me on my head. Maybe a good shaking of the brain will make them work again..." mumbled Itachi. Zetsu was all '?' "NOW!" yelled Itachi.

So Zetsu hit him lightly on the head.

"HARDER!"

Zetsu hit him as hard as he dared to. Itachi seemed satisfied with this.

"Now make another one."

Zetsu shrugged, and made another crane. Itachi followed suit, and produced an awesome crane like no one had ever seen before!

Actually, no. Itachi made another crumpled up paper ball. Apparently that is when he lost his grip. "ARGH! WHY ISN'T MY SHARINGAN WORKING?" he sobbed.

"Sharingan... isn't working?" mirrored Zetsu.

"Yes! Don't tell anyone, but... I don't know how to make origami so I tried to copy you... but... _sniff_... it didn't work!"

"But can't your sharingan copy anything?" asked Zetsu, sounding scandalized.

"Yeah... _sniff_... anything 'cept bloodline techniques..." said Itachi sadly.

"Oh... HEY! Maybe making origami is part of my bloodline! Wow! I have a cool technique!" squealed Zetsu like a fangirl.

"Of course we so, look at us, we're two-toned, green, and plant-like. Plus we have all these other cool techniques," hissed dark Zetsu.

"Yeah, but come on! ORIGAMI! We can totally use this in battle!"

"... How?"

"We could make paper shuriken! And paper kunai! And we could give people paper cuts!" exclaimed light Zetsu.

"... That is ridiculous."

"Nuh-uh! It's practical!"

"Ridiculous."

"Practical!"

"Ridiculous."

"Practical!"

"Ridiculous!"

"PRACTICAL!"

"RIDICULOUS!"

"Um... Zetsu... could you stop it, you're creeping me out..." said Sasori, who had ever so conveniently appeared to save Itachi!

"Uh... sorry... I'll leave now..." mumbled Zetsu.

"Look what you've done now, now we have absolutely no chance to--"

"SHH!"

Sasori was just kinda like '?" and didn't say anything, and just kinda ignored Zetsu's talking to himself.

"Sasoooriiiii..." whined Itachi, was was sitting on the floor, having just had a temper tantrum. "I... I... I can't make origami!" Itachi then broke down into another set of tears. Sasori started patting him on the back in a motherly fashion, letting Itachi wipe his nose on his cloak, because that is just how good of friends they are.

"Shh... It's okay, Itachi... I'll teach you how..." said Sasori soothingly.

"_hic_ really?"

"Yeah. Now please stop wiping your nose on my cloak, it is grosser than gross," replied Sasori. Okay, maybe there are things you shouldn't do even if you are best friends forever.

So they sat down, and Sasori started showing Itachi how to make a crane, step by step. In the end, Sasori's pink crane was much better than Itachi's red crane, but that was to be expected since this was Itachi's first crane that wasn't really just a crumpled up ball of paper. Itachi was ecstatically proud of himself, but was kinda jealous of Sasori's talents. He was just starting on another one when Deidara and Kisame came tumbling into the room.

"Hey, Itachi! We were just talking to our son!" panted Kisame.

"Yeah! And he said that you had discovered a secret bloodline that he had, yeah!" added Deidara.

"Your... son?" asked Sasori, raising an eyebrow.

"Uh, Zetsu," replied Kisame.

"He's abused by his father, yeah, but don't tell anyone," whispered Deidara.

"Uh...huh..."

Deidara and Kisame pushed their way over to Itachi, who was focusing intently on folding a perfect crane. "ItachiItachiItachiItachiItachiItachiItachiItachiItachiItachi!" they screeched in unison.

"What?" asked Itachi irritably, looking up from his crane-in-progress.

"Reveal our secret blood-lines!" said Kisame.

"Yeah! Me first, me first, yeah!" Deidara exclaimed, bouncing up and down.

"Uh... Kisame, you're blue and resemble a shark, and Deidara, you have mouths on your hands," said Itachi, turning back to his crane.

"Noooooo!" whined Kisame. "Our _secret_ bloodlines! You discovered that Zetsu had a origami bloodline! You have to find our new ones, too!"

Both Sasori and Itachi were kinda like 'what?'.

"What else... did Zetsu tell you?" asked Itachi.

"Just that you can't do origami worth shit, yeah," Deidara replied.

Itachi looked scandalized. He could TOO do origami! He looked down at the pitiful crane he had made. Well... maybe he couldn't, but there is not way he was going to tell them that! So, thinking quickly, he grabbed Sasori's pink crane and held it out. "I can so! See!"

Sasori was kinda like 'Uh, whatever,'. Luckily for Itachi, covering for your friends weaknesses happened to be one of the services offered when you buy the deluxe best friend forever package, only 9.99 plus tax!

"Yeah, Zetsu is pretty out of it, so you should probably ignore anything he says about Itachi not being able to do origami," said Sasori, giving Itachi an overly obvious wink. "Now, go and find your lying rat of a son and give him the beat-downs."

"Aww, but I really wanted a cool bloodline..." whined Kisame.

"Go, or Itachi will take away the bloodlines that you already have," threatened Sasori, even though he obviously could do nothing of the sort.

"Okay!" said Kisame and Deidara in unison, running off to go beat their son.

Itachi sighed with relief. "Thanks for covering me, Sasori... You really saved my reputation."

"It's no problem," replied Sasori nonchalantly.

"Yeah, that's what friends are for, right?"

"I thought friends were for sexual favours."

"...No."


	9. Adventures with Slaves

Remember, guys, Sasori isn't so much gay as 'hits-on-anything-vaguely-resembling-a-human'.

This chapter is ABSOLUTELY AND COMPLETELY dedicated to Kaki-kun. She has made my day by dedicating art to me. She has also spurred me to continue to write, because, hell, I stopped because my computer was crapped up, but when I got a new one that excuse just didn't hold anymore.

Go stare at her on Da. For me. Do it for me.

may-veggiegirl1(dot)deviantart(dot)com

Speaking of which, I have changed my Da, I am 'scareless' now, but, shh, don't tell. Actually, please do. I am competing with my friend to see who can get to 1000 pageviews first, and I am at, like, 20.

Disclaimer: I do not own Naruto. I am so sorry.

* * *

Sasori sat up in bed, instantly regretting it. There was never anything to do, and it made him quite... sad. Sad bordering on depressed. He started sending psychic waves to Itachi, telling him to get his butt into Sasori's room. A minute later, his efforts were rewarded with a knock on the door.

"Finally! Come in!" said Sasori, trying to sound cheery.

In stepped Zetsu. Sasori let out a strangled cry of pure anguish.

"Um... I'll leave..." mumbled Zetsu, slamming the door behind him. "Sorry!"

Apparently Sasori's psychic abilities needed some work. Now wasn't the time to practice, though, so Sasori settled for screaming Itachi's name over and over. This was much more successful, and pretty soon Itachi was standing in front of Sasori, looking irritated like you wouldn't believe.

Sasori smiled creepily, and said "Hiiii, Itachiii," in the sweetest voice he could muster.

"What's wrong, Sasori?" asked Itachi in his usual monotone.

"Oh, nothing..."

Itachi looked at Sasori, kind of like 'Oh, hell no, you _know_ it's something.'

"Okay, fine! I don't feel good, no one likes me, I haven't gotten any action in ages and I'm so bored! I need something to do before I wither in this horrible pit of miserableness!" sobbed Sasori.

"And what do you expect _me_ to do about that?" asked Itachi, raising an eyebrow.

"Well, I was thinking... maybe you could... you know..." Sasori trailed off vaguely.

Itachi was kinda like, 'hell no,' but of course he could not say that out-right to his best friend. "How about I just get you some porno mags instead?" suggested Itachi.

"Okay!" piped Sasori happily.

"KISAME!" bellowed Itachi. "COME HERE!"

The sound of loud footsteps indicated Kisame's arrival. The door swung open; Kisame was panting heavily.

"Remember what I said last time? Bow to your master!" commanded Itachi. A small bow by Kisame. "BOW DEEPER!" A ninety degree angle bow by Kisame. "**DEEPER!**"

"But Itachiiii, if I bow any deeper I'm gunna fall over!" whined Kisame.

"Fine, fine, that will do then," sighed Itachi. "Hmm... what did I call you here for again... Oh, yes! I need you to go and fetch Sasori some porno mags. What sort would you like, Sasori?"

"Anything will do... Hey, is he your slave?" asked Sasori. Itachi nodded proudly. "Oh, that sounds like fun! I want one! Can we share Kisame?"

"Um, no, he's my personal slave, but we can go get Deidara for you!" exclaimed Itachi. "Kisame, go get Deidara!"

"Did I hear my name, yeah?" asked Deidara, who, being the eavesdropper he was, was right there at the door.

"Deidara, do you want to be my personal slave?" asked Sasori.

"Um... preferably not, yeah..." Deidara answered, backing up a little.

"Are you sure?" pouted Sasori. Deidara nodded. "Itaaaachiiiii..."

"You don't have a choice Deidara, you are officially Sasori's slave now," said Itachi in a voice that told everyone that the discussion was closed.

"Fine... what do you want me to do, Sasori, yeah?" asked Deidara unenthusiastically.

"Well, it would be nice if--"

"No, Sasori, no!" exclaimed Itachi. "With an ignorant, untalented slave like Deidara, ("Hey, that was uncalled for, yeah") you have to be stern! He must call you Master Sasori, or just Master! With a capital! Now, Deidara, try again!"

"Oh, great Master Sasori, what may I do for you, yeah?" said Deidara. Kisame mouthed something that looked like 'bow', so Deidara took the advice and bowed nice and low.

"That's more like it! Now, let's have contests!" announced Itachi. "Would you like breakfast in bed, Sasori dearest?"

"I most certainly would, Itachi!" replied Sasori. "Deidara, go make some breakfast! Surprise me!"

"But... I can't cook, yeah..." said Deidara hesitantly.

"Oh well!" exclaimed Itachi. "That just means that Kisame has a better chance of winning! Whoever makes the better breakfast wins! Now go, go, go!"

Kisame ran off, leaving Deidara with a big, imaginary question mark floating over his head. Kisame ended up running back, grabbing Deidara, and pulling him out of the room.

Itachi sat down of Sasori's bed, and got under the covers with his friend.

"Hmm... how long do think this is going to take?" asked Sasori.

"I dunno..."

"Oh."

"Let's play I spy."

* * *

When Deidara and Kisame were done with the kitchen, it was an absolute disaster. To the point where you should be wearing one of those handy toxic waste-proof suits. Just about all the food that the household had possessed was spread out... Even the unused stuff. Like pickled garlic and tofu. The usual.

The set the food they had prepared onto trays, and balanced them on their heads and started making their way back to Sasori's room. Actually, only Kisame was carrying it on his head, because that, as it turns out, was his special bloodline. Ahah. No, not really.

"Okay, remember to bow, and respond to everything they say with either 'yes, sir' or 'no, sir', unless the question requires a longer answer," whispered Kisame.

"I know, I know! Why are you telling me this, yeah?" asked Deidara irritably.

"Because otherwise you will get punished or something," explained Kisame. "You aren't really the slave type. Kinda too dumb."

"Hey! I resent that, yeah!"

"Shh!" shushed Kisame, knocking on Sasori's door.

"Come in," came a voice from the other side. He gently opened the door, and walked in, setting the tray on Itachi's lap. Deidara copied Kisame, who seemed to have a lot of experience at this sort of thing. They bowed deeply and moved to stand by the door.

"Wow, Kisame, you have out done yourself! Bacon and eggs cooked to perfection, Count Chocula, and a large glass of milk!" Itachi exclaimed, starting on his Count Chocula Brand breakfast cereal.

Sasori frowned at his tray. "Deidaaaraaaaa, this is horrible!"

"What did he make you?" asked Itachi curiously.

"Burnt toast, burnt eggs, burnt oatmeal with strawberries also burnt, and orange juice!" whined Sasori.

"Well, at least he did the orange juice right..."

"IT'S WATERY!" sobbed Sasori.

"I think it is obvious who won this round. Here, Sasori, you can share the breakfast Kisame made for me," said Itachi. "There is plenty here for both of us."

Deidara frowned. "I didn't do _that_ bad, yeah!"

"Actually, yes, yes you did, Deidara," Kisame said. "Your attempt at making food sucked."

"It's no fair!" exclaimed Sasori through a mouth of eggs. "My slave is a loser! (Deidara: "Hey!") I want another chance! I wanna win!"

"Okay, okay. The next one you guys gotta do our laundry!"

"Yes, sir..." said Deidara and Kisame in unison.

* * *

"It's pink!"

"What?"

"IT'S PINK! Deidara, did you remember to separate the reds from the whites!"

"Um... No, yeah?"

"WHICH ONE, YES OR NO?"

"No, sir!"

"Okay, Kisame won this one, too. Now go vacuum!"

"Yes, sir."

* * *

"Deidara, that was the wrong button!"

"What! I didn't know it would shoot out dirt!"

"Kisame wins again! Now--"

"I want to pick the next task! Go make a floral arrangement!"

"GO!"

"Yes, sir!"

* * *

"No, no, no! You need a focal point! A center! All the other flowers should be supporting the main flower! This is just... a bunch of weeds and grass!"

"Well, how was I supposed to know, yeah?"

"It was pretty obvious..."

"SHUT UP, KISAME, YEAH!"

"Hey, don't yell at my slave! Anyhow, your arrangement didn't even go with the colours of Sasori's room!"

"Yeah. Now go draw me a picture!"

"Of what?"

"Use your imagination!"

"Yes, sir."

* * *

Sasori sighed heavily. "What is that?"

"It's a picture of a cat, a shark, a scorpion and a weasel, yeah! And a houseplant!" exclaimed Deidara happily, obviously proud of himself.

"It looks like a mess of lines and colours produced by a five year old," said Sasori scathingly. "Actually, make that a three year old."

Deidara looked like he was going to cry. He had put so much effort into that picture!

"And what have you drawn, Kisame?" asked Itachi with an air that said he was completely confidant in his victory.

"A portrait of you, master," replied Kisame, passing it to Itachi.

"My, what a wonderful drawing, why--"

"UGH! My slave SUCKS!" whined Sasori. "Can I trade you for Kisame? He's such a good slave!"

"No way! I wouldn't trade Kisame for_ that_! I'll tell you what though, I'll train your slave up a bit, and you can have Kisame while I am training him. Does that sound good?" asked Itachi.

"That would be awesome!" exclaimed Sasori happily.

"Okay, you wretch, come with me," said Itachi, getting out of Sasori's bed and walking towards the door.

Kisame nudged Deidara in the ribs. "He means you."

"Oh, yeah. Coming, sir, yeah," said Deidara, following Itachi out of the room.

"Bring him back nice and obedient, please, Itachi!" exclaimed Sasori to their retreating backs. "So, Kisame, what shall we do until their return?"

"How about go fish?"

* * *

Itachi took Deidara to one of the many empty rooms that Zetsu was not allowed to live in. He sat Deidara down on a chair, and pulled out a conveniently placed chalk board, pointer, and fancy teacher cap.

"So, you have come to learn how to become a better slave, huh?" asked Teacher!Itachi.

"Uh, I guess, yeah," replied Deidara.

Itachi sighed. "You know what? I'm not ever going to try. When we get back, just do everything Sasori tells you, and nod politely. Don't talk, don't ruin the illusion, okay? Now! For review!" Itachi pointed to the blank chalkboard. "Sasori tells you to sit down. What do you do?"

"Sit down, yeah."

"Good. Question two. Sasori asks if he is pretty. What is your response?"

"I nod, yeah."

"….Hell, that's good enough. Let's go."

And so they tromped back like happy little children. But not really. When they got to Sasori's door, Itachi stopped Deidara. "Wait here for a minute. I am going to announce your arrival."

Deidara nodded. See? He was learning already! When he was let into the room Itachi and Kisame exited, leaving him to his slave-ly duties.

"How DID you do it, Itachi?" asked Kisame incredulously.

"Oh, you know, a little of this, a little of that," replied Itachi modestly.

"Still, I can't help but wonder what Sasori wants to do alone in his room with Deidara…" said Kisame thoughtfully.

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!"

Deidara came running out of Sasori's room like a clay bird out of hell. He stopped by Itachi and Kisame, panting.

"What is it, Deidara?" asked Kisame.

"It's Sasori! He's delusional! I think he's high, yeah! He told me to "Lay yerself down and spread"! I think he thinks I'm some sort of… sandwich spread, yeah! I think he's going to try to eat me!" screeched Deidara.

"….Um, I don't think that's what he had in mind, Deidara…" said Kisame, turning a lovely shade of purple.

FACT: Blue and Red make Purple.

"No, Kisame, I think I know what I'm talking about! I mean, what the hell else could he mean by that, yeah!" said Deidara. "I'm gunna go find Zetsu and make him change into me and let Sasori eat him, and then hide, yeah. Don't tell him you saw me." With that, Deidara ran off.

And so Itachi and Kisame let Deidara live in his innocence, and Zetsu got 'eaten', and Sasori stopped being so bitchy, for a little while. Deidara still hasn't been found.


	10. Challenge

Sorry I took so long to update. I'm not even going to get in to the topic of my awesome procrastination skills. It's also pretty short... but that is because when I start chapters I have a certain topic in mind, and there is only so much filler I can pull out of my butt. Sorry.

Also, I am going to be at Anime Evolution in Vancouver this August, anyone going to be there? And then I'll be moving to Alberta… meet up time!

This chapter completely unbetaed. Next chapter not guaranteed to actually ever come.

* * *

Everyday, at three o'clock sharp, Itachi watched The Iron Chef. It was no secret around the Akatsuki HQ that Itachi was a fantastic cook, especially seeing as he cooked them the dish that had been featured on the show for dinner every night. There was however one thing you never did. And that was interrupting Itachi during the Iron Chef.

Apparently Deidara didn't get the memo.

"Itaaaaaaachiiiiiiii, have you seen Kisame, yeah?" whined Deidara whiney-a-ly.

Itachi, with his look of intense concentration, said nothing.

"Cuz we're playing hide-and-seek, and I've been looking for him for hours, yeah!"

Itachi's left eye twitched ever so slightly, but otherwise continued watching how to baste his turkey and cook it to a golden brown perfection.

"Did he tell you not to tell me where he hid, yeah? Because if he did, it's okay to tell me, I won't say that you told, yeah," said Deidara.

Itachi's head turned ever so slowly from the TV.

* * *

Deidara woke up several hours later, with the turkey baster jammed somewhere where it REALLY shouldn't be. The microwave. Of course. Plastics shouldn't be exposed to extreme heats lest they melt.

He got to his feet shakily, trying to remember what happened. It came back to him when he saw the TV missing and the grease everywhere left from the turkey.

"Man, Itachi sure is mean, yeah! Ohhh, but we'll teach him! We'll beat him, yeah!" Deidara dusted him self off, muttering as he did so.

"Oh, look, Deidara DOES talks too himself, too!"

"I told you, he's a freak, just like us. This is your chance!"

"Hey, Deidara, what you—"

"I'M NOT A FREAK, YEAH!" cried Deidara fleeing from the room, leaving Zetsu alone with himself again behind the couch.

So, after crying all the tears he could, Deidara started constructing a plan to get back at Zetsu. Then he remembered that he was originally going to get back at Itachi, so he put his Zetsu plan aside for later and headed to the kitchen to confront Itachi. However, when he got there, all he found was Sasori.

"Hey, Deidara, back for more already?" asked Sasori with a wink. "I thought you'd still be sore from last time."

Deidara ignored how this could be taken more than one way. Actually, he just ignored Sasori all together.

"Looking for a way to get back at Itachi?" Sasori questioned knowingly.

"Yeah, I'm gonna take that son-a **down**town!" Deidara replied. "But how am I going to give him food poisoning if we don't have any rotten food, yeah?"

"That's your plan?"

"Yes."

"Are you sure you wouldn't just like to show him up at something he prides himself at being the best at?"

"Why would I do that, yeah? That's dumb!" exclaimed Deidara.

"Like you? Yeah, I know." Sasori paused a moment to snicker at his scathing elementary-school-level burn that sounds amazingly like something that the author would say. "You couldn't actually do that if you wanted to. You suck too much. You can't even be a _slave_ right."

Deidara looked shocked and hurt. "We promised to never talk about that again, yeah! Fine then! I'll cook dinner, and when it turns out super delicious Itachi will be grovelling at my feet, yeah!"

"Okay, wait here, I'm going to go get the video camera." Sasori's chair scrapped against the floor as he pushed it out and walked to the closet to get their crazy high-tech ninja video camera. He pushed past the extra toilet paper and Kisame and withdrew the camera, glowing with a golden aura. Returning to Deidara, he found the blonde had already devastated the kitchen.

"A little spice… some mint, allspice, thyme…. Yeah, this is awesome…" Deidara muttered, pouring everything he could get his hands on into a large plastic bowl and mixing it together. After the kitchen had run out of contents, he picked up the bowl and poured it into a massive pan, then jammed the pan into the oven. Slamming the door to the oven closed, he put his hands on his hips triumphantly. "There!" he proclaimed. "All done, all there is to do now is wait, yeah!"

"…What about turning on the oven?" asked Sasori blandly.

Deidara reached behind himself without turning around and turned the oven on. "It already was on, yeah."

"…. No."

"Yeah, it was! Why do you have to be so argumentative, Sasori, yeah?" demanded Deidara, walking out of the kitchen, smack into Itachi.

Itachi gave them a very Itachi-esc look, and went to continue on his way. He was stopped by Deidara's loud, grating voice.

"Guess what, Itachi, yeah! I have a creation in the oven right now so fantorifical that if will blow you and your reputation away! Sasori can vouch for me, right, Sasori, yeah?"

"What has he got in the oven, Sasori?" asked Itachi monotonely.

"I actually have no clue. Just about everything, I think." replied Sasori.

"It's a caaake, yeah!" whined Deidara.

A small voice came out from the closet. "Hey, guys, what's that rumbling sound?"

"It sounds like it's coming from the kitchen…"

Sasori and Itachi exchanged a glance, and then ran.

Deidara also ran, but he ran to the kitchen, shouting joyfully, "My cake is done, yeah!"

Kisame stayed in the closet. "Guys? Where did you go? Deidara? Itachi?"

No one got to taste the cake though, and Kisame never found out where everyone went, because Deidara's travesty of a cake went and exploded everywhere, taking the new headquarters with it.

Sasori and Itachi viewed the rubble from a safe distance away.

"Well. That was good while it lasted," commented Itachi.

"I guess it's back to sitting on rocks again," sighed Sasori.

"Wanna go for bubble tea?"

"Would I ever!"

And so the two best friends strolled off into the sunset, leaving any survivors to fend for themselves.


End file.
